I am 32 years old. That’s just the tip of the iceberg. I’ve had many wins and many failures in that time period. After 28 years I found the courage to leave a culture that defined my value as a woman. I was taught that I must be married before 25. I married when I turned 28. I lost myself when I got married. I was a strong, independent woman before I married my ex husband. When I was a child I was taught that in order to be loved I had to lose myself – every piece of myself and become a submissive, simpering, spineless, devout wife to my husband. I was to bow down to him, make his meals, put on a show as a servant to his friends, have no opinions of my own, let him speak for me – or I was to be abandoned and unloved. Every day was filled with anxiety wondering if I’d made it through the day still in his favor. I was shocked when he married me because it shocked me ANYONE wanted to marry me. For any reason. I was afraid to even buy toiletries, that’s how fearful I was of him… This behavior lead me to 4 suicide attempts and 2 stays in a psychiatric ward because I truly had an identity crisis and couldn’t cope with the constant anxiety. I was so depressed my only thought was “I would rather die than be divorced because once I divorce I’m a failure and not worth being loved.”
After my terrible 4 year divorce which was finalized a few months ago on May 5th, 2017, I came to realize that I was worth so much more as a person than I ever believed I was worth. I have realized I am allowed to want things and it’s ok if I demand those things are met. I’m not settling anymore!
- I am a feminist. No, that doesn’t mean I’m a man hater. It doesn’t mean I’m the crazy ones that militantly burn down buildings because I’m crusading to not wear my bra. It means I protest, rally and herald causes like human rights like equality for ALL. Men, Women, Children, LGBTQ, and All Ethnicities. I wont put religion in here because that is a man made institution to which people subscribe sometimes disgusting and hurtful things in the name of some imaginary being. (WB Baptist Church is a really great example) Now, my feministic approach also means I believe in my right to my own body and health. It means equal pay for equal work. It means get your shit together! If I have to pay taxes, so do you. If I have to do things legally, so do you. I follow the laws of the land that I live in and that is my right as an American Citizen. When I don’t agree, I have the right as a citizen to fight for change. If you want rights, you have to legally go through the process to have a say. Being a feminist also means you don’t talk to me like that and don’t you EVER try and grab anything of mine without my permission or I will cut your hand off. It means it’s not ok. And if you don’t agree with that, fuck off. I am a liberal minded individual and that doesn’t mean I subscribe to ALL the opinions of stereotypical “liberals”. I am not a brainless sheeple libtard because I can prove you wrong about a subject you so passionately believe. It means I have independent thought and can research things to make sure my opinions are based in FACT.
- I am allowed to find my own path and succeed. It’s ok to be happy and celebrate that I’m thriving. Even small victories can be just as worthy of a city-wide parade if I feel like it.
- I am someone who didn’t have a family. I want a family. I want children and a man in my life that wants them and me. Even if it is just one child. I want them and I will fight for them. I’m a natural mama bear.
- I deserve someone who loves me and isn’t afraid to say it. Who gives a shit if it’s posted all over social media? I deserve to know my place in that person’s life and if I’m part of it or not.
- I am worthy of being loved.
- I should never, EVER, be made to feel less of a person if I love someone.
- I’m not wasting anymore of my time on people who don’t want what I want. If they “flip-flop” it’s ok for me to speak up for myself and ask WTF?!
- If my car is broken down, I’m allowed to buy a new one. If my towels are ripped, I’m allowed to buy new ones. If I run out of food, I’m allowed to buy more! If I need something, even down to basic necessities, I can have it! I will never, ever allow someone to say their opinions are greater than mine. You dont like the idea that I’ve had a hard day and only want to eat a smothered burrito? Tough! Don’t give me shit and then expect to not be called out on yours.
- I want to be married again. I don’t have to have a multi-million dollar wedding. Hell, I probably could never afford it! But I do want to dedicate my life to someone. If that means that I make a dedication ceremony in the back yard with a bunch of friends so I can say publicly that this person is mine and I am theirs, then so be it! If I don’t go to a court house and have a legal document made, but just spend the rest of my life with someone, I’m ok with that too! I simply want to dedicate my life with someone. I wont be fooling around. No open relationships – I don’t believe in them. Sorry friends who do have them, I’ve seen time and time again that they do not work. The human race is fallible, eventually someone will become jealous. People can’t love 2 things at once. One will always be loved more, and that doesn’t guarantee that person will be you.
- My partner is my best friend. If I can’t tell them everything or feel like I can’t express myself, I’m calling them out on it! I’m not walking on egg shells any more. If this freaks them out and they run, they weren’t meant to be in a relationship with me.
- Maddy the cat is my fur baby. Get over it. She’s staying. You don’t like her, hang on – let her hold the door open for you. She’s the shit! PS: She bites.
- I AM NOT PICKING SIDES! I RESURVE THE RIGHT TO BE NEUTRAL. If I really don’t give a shit, I’m not pretending that I do!
- No. Just because I’m with you doesn’t mean you now have access to my bank account, network, social status, or anything else that is mine. If I believe you’ll be a good fit for something, I’ll stick my neck out for you. But I reserve the right to say no if I believe you will embarrass my reputation and good name that I’ve worked REALLY HARD to build. I came from a shit family who’s reputation was TRASH. I changed my name and have started building a woman over the last 4 years that is close to the woman I always wanted to be. (I’m not a millionaire yet, still working on it). I will drop you like it’s hot if you mess with the “brand” I’ve created. And I have EVERY RIGHT to do that. I have no problem destroying my own image. I don’t need your help.
CHECK OUT A GREAT MUSIC VIDEO: “That’s My Girl” by Fifth Harmony